On-screen and off…
This time last week, I had the pleasure of attending the private industry screening of ‘Sweetly It Turns’- a feature-length film that I worked on back in 2021. It’s an incredibly moving film based in an area just down the road from me and it’s been produced with real passion and professionalism. Starring Richard Wilson, Ruth Sheen and Steve Oram alongside a cast full of authentic West Midlands voices, it packs all the punch of powerful indie film. Right from reading the first drafts of the script, I was touched by it’s dedication to realism without losing the poetic emotion of people’s lives in this area and time. In essence, I am very proud to have been a part of the film and I look forward to watching it’s success play out.
But what I want to talk about here is something that has often affected me throughout my professional and personal life- the dreaded SOCIAL ANXIETY!!! How can something so intangible and unreasonable affect me so deeply in a situation I have prepared well in advance for? I had been looking forward to the screening for a very long time, knowing that some of my dearest friends were going to be there. All the way up to it, I was cool and collected, full of confidence that I had every right to be in that room with those people. Then I stepped inside.
I want to make clear to you that I massively enjoyed the day. I am in no way saying that I became totally overwhelmed or anything like that, but I noticed right from the second I walked into that room that my long-term enemy was sitting right there on my shoulder. Even with people I have known for years and that I feel total trust in, I feel this tension and unease- a constant voice that I’m doing something wrong and I don’t belong here. How do I deal with that? Well, the complimentary champagne is always a good comfort blanket, right?
People have often commented on my confidence- on stage/screen and off- and that comment has always baffled me. On the one hand, it’s reassuring to hear that people see composure and control- but inside? Inside, I think I’m looking around me and comparing myself to everybody else in such a harsh way. Isn’t it so strange that, even in a room where you are completely safe and supported, you can feel in danger and at total risk? But that’s what anxiety is- some learned beliefs from situations long ago that can’t help but haunt you.
I think I find escape in my characters- being somebody else and seeing them in a much fairer light, I can be truthful and unlimited in my choices. It’s something that I’ve heard a lot of actors say before- ‘I feel more comfortable as my characters than myself’- and it’s absolutely true. Actors come in various forms and some of us find that removal from self part of the allure, I suppose. Whenever being myself, whether that’s in a promotional interview or at a premiere/press night, I have always wanted to get right back on the stage and escape all over again. I suppose this isn’t a bad thing but I would much rather have my work speak for me than speak myself- my work will be what it is and how you see it will be a much truer representation of how I’ve done. Ask me how I’ve done and I will inevitably talk it down and go round in circles trying to find the right way to say what I want to say. That’s something I need to work on a little more, I think.
I think what I’m ultimately trying to say is that people aren’t always who they appear to be- what they say about themselves is not always who they are and how they look is not always how they feel. I believe that it’s actions that matter. That’s where you see what someone is made of.
Now go on, enough of me exposing my demons- go do something fun tonight, however you want to do it! No one is judging, I promise x